Catching Up

First, apologies for neither writing nor posting photos sooner. For the past 10 months, I've been in a different dimension, one that involved parenting an active child, traveling for extended time to the US and then back to Germany for Dan's work, supporting from afar my Dad's recovery from cancer, and figuring out what our next steps are as a family (i.e. where are we going to live). Toss in a little vacation, and now it's October 2010.

So after not writing for what seems like forever, here's a first draft of what's on my mind.

Sophie started German preschool this week. She was ready. Bored with spending the day with just me, she would ask if we could play with other children—yes, she speaks in complete sentences in English and German. So we’d go to the park in pursuit of sandboxes and other children. When unsuspecting toddlers were spotted digging in the sandbox, Sophie would slink up to them, and begin to play with their sand toys. Pity the toddler that tried to reclaim whatever tool Sophie wanted: she then waved her arms, stomped her feet and shouted, "No! No! Weg! Shoo!" Sharing is a tricky concept for a 22 month-old.

In Germany, many young children go to a Tagesmutter, a sort of Daycare Mom meets Preschool. The Tagesmutter takes pedagogy courses, is registered and paid through the government, and cares for up to 5 children a day in her home. They eat together, play together, go on little field trips to playgrounds or the Zoo…and learn what the basic rules of socialization are and how to share. It's a gentle first step toward independence.

Tagesmutters vary in approach and personality. The first one Sophie adored, but her house had a funny smell in the basement…that sort of mildewy what’s-growing-under-the-carpet smell. The next was a German grandma-hippie, strict yet eccentric and creative. Too bad there was a waiting list, as the art projects looked fun. The third was mellow….so much so that she only got up off the park bench after two kids got stuck climbing the chain-link fence surrounding the soccer field…and her house has looked like a construction zone since we moved to Hamburg two years ago…perhaps the garden will be finished by the time Sophie graduates high school. While I’m sure they are perfectly well-qualified, none was the right match for Sophie.

And then we found Helena, a loving, playful yet firm Tagesmutter, with a clean house and big garden with lots of places that are fun for small children. Sophie was enthralled by the sandbox, veggie garden, swing and slide, rocks and stones, and endless variety of flowers.

What impressed me the most was 1) how happy the other children seemed, 2) how polite, inclusive and well-mannered they were while maintaining their zest for life, and 3) how Helena combined her advanced studies of early childhood education with her own joy of young children. It's sort of a preschool-meets-family setting. The children eat together at a big table; dance, tumble and play in the living room; and happily go outside to the garden or park. Helena plays games with them, like Memory, and structures the day with periods of intense play followed by down time. They learn to say “please” and “thank you”, and how and when to wash their hands. Everything is geared towards supporting Little People’s individual growth within a cooperative group setting.

The first day I just observed and interacted with Sophie, explaining what was going on. She seemed to catch on quickly to the rhythms and flow of the group. The next day I shadowed her, being there when needed. She was excited to play with “our group.”

Today was the hard day. When it was time for me to leave so she could fly solo, Sophie cried and cried, didn't want me to go. But what could I do? I gave her a kiss, told her I was going to the store and I’d be back, and, armed with the mobile phone, slipped out. I thought I’d wait for 20 minutes, then call Helena. Those were the longest 20 minutes, and Helena called first saying that all was well, Sophie cried by the door and then the other kids brought her their toys and everyone played by the door for a while. She danced with the kids, happily went out in the garden, and had accepted Helena and the others as her group.

What a relief. I promptly let out a sigh and then burst into tears, Our little girl is growing up. After being side by side for 31 months (22 months plus in utereo), she was stepping out on her own. Our rhythm has changed. She’s claiming a new part of her identity and reality. It’s time for me to do so for myself.

When Dan and I came to pick her up, Sophie was still eating at the table. We waited in the hallway where we could hear her, but she couldn’t see us. She chirped, and commented on how yummy the food tasted, giggled with the other children, and seemed sooo happy. When she had finished and was excused from the table, she saw us, and ran straight into our arms with the biggest smile, and dragged us into the living room to meet her new friends and play with the new toys.

On Monday morning we go back. We’re starting with four mornings a week, come home at nap time. While Sophie might need some time to learn how to play with others in a sandbox, this is a good beginning.